


To convince you that I love you

by Chimney_on_the_roof



Series: Alexander has a crush™ [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Crushes, Getting Together, Headaches & Migraines, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, alexander taking care of john, it's based on my own experiences and i don't know if it was an anxiety attack or not, not sure about that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24061405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chimney_on_the_roof/pseuds/Chimney_on_the_roof
Summary: All he could think of was that he wanted to stop walking, to be away from the people the corridors were crowded with, and to be alone with Alex. How he could manage to achieve these goals was a mystery. He was cold but sweating at the same time. The sweat made him feel colder and he couldn’t suppress a shiver. And of course Alex noticed.“Wow, how did you get so pale? Are you okay?”A.k.a. John isn't feeling very well and Alex takes care of him. They tell each other some nice things eventually :)
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Series: Alexander has a crush™ [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1724962
Comments: 8
Kudos: 59





	To convince you that I love you

**Author's Note:**

> I know a migraine attack is different for many people. This is just what my migraine attacks are usually like :/  
> Hey look it's me, projecting my feelings onto fictional characters ^^
> 
> This is part of a series but can be read as a stand alone fic

In the middle of maths, Alex suddenly felt the inspiration to write. The teacher never paid much attention to him anyway. The words that had ceased to reach the paper for the past weeks, finally made themselves clear in his mind. Alex knew what he had to write down.

_It is my greatest pleasure to know you, my dear John, and I realize how privileged I am to be able to call you my friend. Even before I had mere superficial knowledge about you, I felt myself drawn to your presence. Your presence has a hint of familiarity, a feeling I have had to miss since my mother passed away five years ago. The feeling that my relationship with you, dear John, brings about, is one that comes closest to the feeling of being related to a beloved family member. I may not act upon these feelings, because I am aware of the scarce amount of these thoughts I have shared with you. The ability to put thoughts into letters, to put letters into words, to put words into sentences, to put sentences into a letter, seems to vanish like snow in the sun when I am near you.  
My dearly beloved John, I am writing this without the intention of giving you this letter. If you happen to read this, it was either me or someone else who gave it to you, or you have found this letter yourself. Either way, the message I am trying to deliver to you with this letter, is that you must be moonstruck if you think another person could ever be able to capture my heart like you have unknowingly done.  
Against all knowledge, I hope to one day receive confirmation that you love me in the same way I love you. Each day we spend together without progression in our connection, I lose a bit of hope. The little hope I have left is drawn to you._

_Yours  
A Hamilton_

He hoped that Lafayette, who sat next to him, wasn’t able to read what he was writing. He was glad he was left-handed and that Lafayette sat on his left side as well. Still, he grew a little anxious when he saw his friend look at him with raised eyebrows. He shrugged it off, but couldn’t help the blush that made its way to his cheeks. Alex had told Lafayette about his crush on John and Lafayette had even tried to help him getting closer to John, but in his opinion Lafayette didn’t have to know everything that happened between himself and John. He ripped the page from his notebook as silently as possible, folded it in half, and slid it between the pages of the first book in his bag he could get his hands on. He mentally prepared himself for the questions that would be shot at him after their class was dismissed.

When the sound of the bell made its way into the classroom, he hurried to the exit, trying to avoid the inevitable questions. However, it wasn’t Lafayette who asked him a question, but John, who almost ran into him. It appeared he had been waiting in the hall for his class to be dismissed. John produced a smile when he saw it was him he had almost knocked to the ground, and immediately asked him, “Would you like to join me to the library? There’s a book I’m looking for, and I know you like the library, so I thought…” He trailed off, but Alex had already nodded excitedly. Maybe a bit too excitedly, Alex thought.

On their way to the library, he tried to behave more nonchalant, but feared it came off as too nonchalant. Damn it, why couldn’t he behave like a normal human being? He tried to think of things to talk about, so he asked the most obvious question, “What book are you looking for?”

*

John had a free period and hoped he wouldn’t be crushed under the pressure of approaching deadlines. His heart was already beating too fast due to a certain handsome boy, and he wasn’t sure his heart could handle beating faster. He noticed he was getting a bit lightheaded and dizzy. To shake that feeling off, he walked around the school. He remembered Alex mentioning that he had maths, so he walked towards the classrooms where maths was taught. He wasn’t sure in which one Alex was, so he just trailed aimlessly through the corridor.

He sat down on one of the benches and tried to calm himself. He had already come up with a reason for being here – he would ask Alex to come to the library with him to pick up a book. He didn’t know which book yet, but he could worry about that later. Right now, his main concern was to calm down.

He took a deep, shuddering breath, his head resting in his hands. Through his fingers, he focused on the tiny spots he could find in the pattern on the floor, attempting to ignore the spots that floated around in front of his eyes. He hated himself for not being able to stop procrastinating _. I shouldn’t be here_ , he thought, _I should finish- I should start writing that essay. I had three, three! weeks for it, but here I am, stressing about it. And I’m still not working on it._

Suddenly, he realised that it maybe wasn’t the best idea to meet Alex in the state he was in. Being around Alex only made him feel more anxious, especially since the boy was always nervous. He stopped to think about that. Before he got to know Alex better, he didn’t see him as a nervous person. Sure, he was restless, but not nervous per se. Energetic, was the word. Was everything alright with him?

He checked the time on his phone, and saw to his displeasure that the bell could ring any moment. His heart beat quickened. He didn’t want Alex to see him so anxious. He dragged himself from the bench and picked up his bag, and at the same time the bell rang. He was dizzy and couldn’t see everything clearly in his hurry to leave the corridor before Alex could see him. He almost bumped into Alex. He couldn’t help but smile when he saw his surprised look. He just looked cute, okay?

Before he could stop himself he asked Alex to join him to the library. When he realised he didn’t actually want to go to the library he stopped talking, but Alex was already nodding excitedly. Alright then.

Alex didn’t notice he was so anxious, to John’s relief. He was sure it was obvious to anyone that his hands were shaking and that he had to consciously hold himself back from running. But Alex’s gaze was turned to the ground. He wondered again if there was something going on with him. Alex suddenly looked at him. “What book are you looking for?”

He had almost forgotten why they were heading towards the library. He had forgotten to determine which book he would be looking for. He said the first thing he could think of, “Harry Potter.”

Alex looked at him sceptically. “Didn’t you say you have the entire series yourself?”

His thoughts were all over the place, but somehow met each other to come up with an excuse. “Yes, but a friend- I borrowed- I loaned the next part to a friend,” he managed to stammer. His heartbeat was too fast. He was dizzy. He looked around for something to distract Alex and to prove that he was fine. An annoying ringing took away his ability to hear anything with his left ear. He needed to sit down.

John didn’t know how to tell Alex. He had thrown away the hope that Alex wouldn’t notice anything and now hoped he _would_ , but he didn’t want to worry him. He tried to come up with an excuse to leave Alex’s side, but his brain wouldn’t collaborate. All he could think of was that he wanted to stop walking, to be away from the people the corridors were crowded with, and to be alone with Alex. How he could manage to achieve these goals was a mystery. He was cold but sweating at the same time. The sweat made him feel colder and he couldn’t suppress a shiver. And of course Alex noticed.

“Wow, how did you get so pale? Are you okay?”

These words made his heart sink. Was it that obvious? John’s clenched jaw made it hard for him to speak. So instead, he shook his head. He noticed they had stopped walking. A throbbing pain behind his left eye made its presence known. He looked at Alex and he felt his stomach turn when he saw that he couldn’t see his entire face. He had to constantly look at a point to the left of his face and back to see him.

Alex took his arm and led him to the closest toilets. He ordered him to sit down on the closed hood of a toilet with his head between his knees. He did so with his eyes closed, and the sick feeling disappeared, but the headache was still there. After a few minutes he tried to sit up straight again. He felt Alex’s hand on his back, which felt comforting. “Easy,” Alex said softly. John leaned his elbows on his knees and opened his eyes. He saw Alex kneeling beside the toilet, watching John intently. His face relaxed into a smile. He had mostly regained his vision, there was just a tingling line in the peripheral areas of his vision.

The headache, however, had grown. It felt like it was going to split his head in two. He ran a hand over his face. His hands felt cool and he rested his forehead in his hands. Alex was rummaging through his bag, which made a quite annoying noise, but he didn’t have the energy to ask him to stop. It dawned on him that Alex was talking to him, but he couldn’t focus on the words, just on the soft tone of his voice.

Alex handed him a pink pill and a bottle of water. He downed the pill with the water. The water felt good in his throat. “Thanks,” he said, and was surprised how clear his voice was. Alex smiled reassuring at him. “Are you feeling better?” John sat up completely straight now and he wished he could lean back against something. “Kind of,” he replied. He shuffled to the edge of the toilet seat and lowered himself to the ground, on the opposite side of the toilet than Alex. He leaned back against the cold wall and sighed in relief. The cold felt good. He closed his eyes again, because the light made his headache worse.

They stayed like that. After a few minutes the bell rang, indicating the end of lunch break. Alex and John both had a class to attend. John felt his heartbeat quickening again, but he didn’t stir. The ringing of the bell seemed to go on unnecessarily long. He wanted to stay in this bathroom stall forever. Or at least until the headache was gone.

*

Alex wondered if John had fallen asleep, but when he heard the bell, he saw his breathing going quicker. John was still pale and he looked extremely fragile in the way he was slumped against the wall with his legs spread out in front of him. He wanted to take him in his arms, reassure him that it was going to be alright, but there wasn’t enough space in the stall.

He ignored the bell. Taking care of his friend was more important than whatever class he had to attend. John also didn’t make a move. He wondered for how long they were going to stay in here. He could hear people in the corridors talking to each other and hurrying to their classrooms. The noises died down after about two minutes.

“I’m hungry,” John suddenly said. Alex saw that his eyes were still closed. “Oh. Er- I don’t have any food,” he stammered. He always bought his lunch in the canteen. “I do,” John said. “In my bag somewhere.” Alex reached for John’s bag and immediately saw a green lunchbox. He smiled when he spotted a sketchbook, but he didn’t touch it. He handed John, who had opened his eyes, one of the sandwiches. “Thank you,” he said softly. He ate the sandwich while Alex stared at one of the walls. He didn’t mind the silence.

He became suddenly very aware of the fact that he was in a bathroom stall with John. He had managed to keep his nervousness under control because that was the last thing John needed, but he couldn’t anymore. He started tapping his hand on his knee to the rhythm of a song that kept repeating itself in his head. “Could you stop that?” John asked. Alex stopped.

“How are you feeling?” he asked. John shrugged. “This headache is killing me.”

Alex didn’t really know how to respond. “Has this happened before?”

John sighed. “Yeah, but never this bad.” He seemed tired.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“I think I just need some sleep. Shit…” John looked at Alex with wide eyes. “There’s no one home to pick me up and I’m definitely not going to take the bus.” Alex frowned, but quickly came with a solution. “I can ask Hercules to come pick you up. He doesn’t live far from here and he has a car. I’m certain he’s willing enough to let you stay for a few hours.” John didn’t seem convinced, so he added, “He drives very calmly.” John smiled slightly.

“Okay. If he doesn’t mind.”

Alex left the toilet stall to call Hercules. He wasn’t a very close friend of his, but every interaction they had was friendly. Plus, he was a friend of Lafayette’s. He explained the situation and like he had expected, Hercules was immediately on his way. He went back to John, who was now standing up, but with his head still leaning against the cool tiles on the wall. He watched Alex’s movements, but when he came too close to focus on, he looked away. Alex took his hand. “Let’s go to the main entrance. Hercules will be here in a few minutes.” John simply gave a hum in response.

*

John wasn’t sure if Alex was coming with him to Hercules’s house or not. He didn’t like being left alone with a stranger. Alex had told him not to worry about anything and that he would take care of him. There was nothing else left to worry about than the upcoming deadlines. He couldn’t write that essay with the headache he had. The calmness that had come over him when he was on the floor in the toilet stall disappeared, and his heart started beating faster. He squeezed Alex’s hand that was apparently still in his. Alex looked at him. “Don’t worry, I’m coming with you.” That only took half his worries away, but at least Alex was with him.

“Oh, that must be Hercules!” Alex suddenly said. John followed his gaze to a man who climbed out of his car and waved at them. They walked over to him and Hercules extended his hand to John, who shook it weakly. Hercules rested his other hand on John’s shoulder. The man was actually a young man, but his size made him seem older. He couldn’t be much older than himself and Alex, John reckoned. Alex prodded him inside the car and followed after him. Hercules was being all worried and asked Alex how John was. John only half listened, he listened more to Alex’s voice than to what he was actually saying. Alex was right, Hercules drove quite gently. It was almost bearable with his headache. The seat in the car was nice. It was also nice that Alex was sitting next to him. He leaned his shoulder and head against Alex’s.

The drive wasn’t longer than ten minutes. John wouldn’t have minded staying in the car, but Alex told him he had to go to bed. He liked that Alex held his hand. All his problems seemed so small.

Alex led him to a bedroom. Luckily, the room was dark. John took his shoes off. He could sleep in his clothes. He liked that Alex tucked him in.

Alex wished him goodnight, even though it wasn’t night, and left the room, and John was left on his own in a strange bed. The headache was unbearable and he wanted to go to sleep so he wouldn’t have to feel it anymore, but the pain prevented the sleep to come. There was a clock softly ticking. After a few minutes he was used to the dark and he spotted the clock. It was just after 1 PM. He tossed and turned in the bed, growing more frustrated every minute. He tried lying completely still, waiting for the sleep to come, but gave up after ten minutes. He turned over to his other side and tried again. He could hear Alex’s and Hercules’s muffled voices from the living room. He wondered what they were talking about. He tried his best not to think about the essay he had to finish before tomorrow. Instead, he let his mind wander to Alex. He had helped him. He had made sure he had a place to stay, and John hadn’t even thanked him. He thought more about Alex before he finally fell asleep, an hour later.

When he woke up, it felt like it had only been ten minutes since he had fallen asleep. He looked at the clock and saw that it was almost half past five. He had slept for almost three and a half hours! The headache had reduced to a faint throbbing behind his left eye when he moved his head too quickly. He got out of the bed and went into the living room. No one there. He noticed the smell of food and followed the scent to the kitchen. At the kitchen table was Hercules, who was eating dinner while reading a book. John now noticed how hungry he actually was.

“Where’s Alex?” was the first thing John asked him. Hercules looked up and smiled at him. “He left about an hour ago. He left you this note, though.” He handed John a folded piece of paper. On the outside it said,

_Hey John. I hope you’re feeling better. If you’re not, I hope this letter will make you feel better. If you are feeling better, you can still read it. I didn’t actually want to give you this letter already, but I think this is the right occasion. Xx Alex_

He couldn’t help smiling. With a pounding heart he unfolded it.

 _It is my greatest pleasure to know you, my dear John, and I realize how privileged I am to be able to call you my friend,_ he read. He was amazed at the words Alex used. His word usage was very different than when he texted.

 _Even before I had mere superficial knowledge about you, I felt myself drawn to your presence. Your presence has a hint of familiarity, a feeling I have had to miss since my mother passed away five years ago._ That shocked him. His mother had died? A warm feeling spread through his chest.

He read the letter three times. ‘My dearly beloved John’, Alex called him.

 _The feeling that my relationship with you, dear John, brings about, is one that comes closest to the feeling of being related to a beloved family member._ What did that mean? What was John to Alex? A good friend, or more than that?

 _Either way, the message I am trying to deliver to you with this letter, is that you must be moonstruck if you think another person could ever be able to capture my heart like you have unknowingly done._ ‘Moonstruck’, wow. John had captured Alex’s heart? In what way? The letter raised more questions than it answered. Could it be true that Alex was in love with him? Is that what he was trying to say?

*

Alex was eating pizza when he heard his phone buzz. It was a text from Hercules, _Hey Alex, John is up and he’s reading your letter. Want to come over?_

He immediately texted back, _How is he?_ and abandoned his pizza to take a bus to Hercules’s place. Hercules answered that John seemed to be doing fine, just that he was confused. Alex started to wonder if he should have used simpler words, or should have been more down to earth. _Can’t change it anymore_ , he thought. But he could _tell_ John, of course.

When he arrived, he was greeted enthusiastically by Hercules. He answered somewhat impatient, wanting to see John. He was on the couch with the letter in one hand and his phone in the other. Alex automatically smiled when he saw John. His heart skipped a beat when he saw his loose, messy hair. He suddenly got nervous, knowing that John had read the letter. “Hey Alex!” John said with a wide smile.

Alex said an awkward “Hi!” and asked him how he was feeling. “Much better, thanks,” he said politely. “Would you mind coming home with me? I just got a text from my roommate. He’s out.”

They thanked Hercules hugely for his hospitability, who said it was no problem at all. Hercules wanted to drive them home, but they insisted on taking the bus. They ordered up a pizza on the way, because John had still barely eaten anything. Alex noticed that John didn’t move much, especially his head, so he reckoned the headache wasn’t completely gone.

“You can sit down if you want,” John said, sitting down on the couch with a smile, because Alex was still standing in the doorway, looking around the room. He felt like he was made fun of, but sat down on the other side of the couch. “So,” he started, looking at his hands. When John didn’t say anything, he looked up and caught John staring at him. They both blushed, but Alex didn’t look away.

“So?” John said, cocking his head.

“Yes. Uhm, you’ve… read my letter?”

John nodded. “When did you write it?”

“This morning, during maths,” Alex said.

John chuckled and shook his head. “The timing couldn’t be more perfect.”

“How so?”

John sighed and the smile disappeared.

*

He told Alex about the cause of his anxiety and how he hated himself for procrastinating. He was surprised his anxiety didn’t get worse, on the contrary; telling Alex about it was actually very relieving. He had never told anyone about it. Alex listened patiently and asked a question every now and then. John felt encouraged to talk about his feelings, instead of being told he was a burden with too many issues. He knew all about that. That’s why he didn’t have many friends – he was afraid of being abandoned because they couldn’t deal with his issues. And because he knew he would scare them away with oversharing. John was reluctant in telling Alex about this, but Alex _wanted_ to know about it. When he was done talking about his life, he found himself wrapped in a hug. It was nice. He felt safe.

_The feeling that my relationship with you, dear John, brings about, is one that comes closest to the feeling of being related to a beloved family member._

“I’ll never leave you, John,” Alex said into his shoulder. A warm feeling spread through his chest and tears filled his eyes. It had been a long time since he had felt so safe and cared for. He felt _loved_.

_you must be moonstruck if you think another person could ever be able to capture my heart like you have unknowingly done._

When Alex withdrew, John’s face was stained with tears. Alex wiped the tears from his cheeks. John smiled. “Thank you for taking care of me today,” he whispered hoarsely.

“Anything for you, my dear John,” Alex said. He moved his hand from John’s cheek towards his hair and played with a strand. John felt a wave of- was that love?

_I hope to one day receive confirmation that you love me in the same way I love you._

He watched Alex play with his hair. He looked much younger. Alex hadn’t said it out loud, but John wanted to.

“I love you too, Alex.”

**Author's Note:**

> I relate to John a lot (I wonder why). That part about friendship is very true for me, and the constant pressure of deadlines and procrastination. Also, migraines aren't fun. I haven't had an attack in a while, though.  
> Please let me know what you think. I'm very scared of posting this.  
> <3


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